what can $5 get you?

my friend from san francisco is considering a career change, and asked me what he should charge for handjobs. i told him five dollars. he said that sounded low. he may be right, but for myself i wouldn't be comfortable charging any more than that. i reasoned that, for that much, it wouldn't have to be a job well, or even completely, done--what do you expect for five bucks?

knight in matte kevlar--and his jackass butler, too

as you well know (see WHALES conception if you don't), WHALES was borne out of resentment for jon stewart and his multi-faceted maleness. but, jon, i'm considering a replacement. what say you, WHALES?:

while i'm at it, alfred may be a worthy contender: butler, confidant, crime-fighting assistant, caretaker of wayne manor, guests and batcave, medical/technical/computer expert, actor (with strong ability in makeup, disguise and vocal mimicry!), fully trained chauffeur, 4-star chef, and all-purpose mechanic. not to mention, alfred's accent is muy sexy. what an asshole:

in hammett's eyes

anyone reading hammett, as low as my expectations are, i never thought i'd read: His eyes burned yellowly.

how to dump a man, WHALES-style

today, i broke up with my.... today, i emailed the boy i obsess over and told him i was no longer interested. i wrote: 'you fatigue me.' you know, because of the obsessing, which is quite draining, and with a full-time job, a blog (with a most demanding readership), and an oftentimes unruly hairdo to contend with, i simply could not keep up with such, eg, reading his favorite books, watching his favorite movies, painting his portrait from his facebook profile pic, etc. i then spread the word to my friends, saying i broke up with 'jean-luc,' to which they replied, 'i didn't know you had a boyfriend.' that is because, fools, i didn't. my friends looked at me befuddled. i don't see the cause for confusion. i didn't have a boyfriend--so what? i ask you this: must one have a boyfriend in order to break up with...someone? i say an emphatic no.

and really isn't that the beauty--or one of the many beauties, i mean--of WHALES? you don't need rules; you don't heed the status quo. you drag home men you don't give two figs--nay, even one fig--about, and you break up with people who've no idea who the hell you are.

it's glorious anarchy, the life of a WHALES.

picking on phil collins for no reason

forbidden fruit:

express yourself
(come on, girls! do you believe in love?)
no
(don't go for second best, baby)
that's right: third, fourth, tenth, whatever

i want love
i don't care that rdj is in the video

in your eyes
(i see the doorway to a thousand churches, in your eyes the resolution of all the fruitless searches)
in your eyes a sharpened pencil

(can't get no) satisfaction
antithesis of WHALES philosophy

s-s-studio
i dunno, it just sucks

eric carmen makes the cut

essential WHALES music:

making love out of nothing at all
i wish i had written this

(if you can't be with the one you love) love the one you're with
my mantra

love hurts
(love is just a lie to make us feel blue) 

sing it, hair helmet!

(can't find a) better man
title says it all; how else do you think vedder gets laid?

what's love got to do (got to do) with it?
trick question

all by myself (don't wanna be)
i frequently find myself humming this, unawares

don't wanna soulmate, just someone i can tolerate
okay, i made this one up