insomniacs, take heed

last week i suffered from a most dreadful insomnia, which prevented me from posting. by the way, thanks for the outpouring of concern, eg, messages, emails, poems (though it must be said, most were godawful; WHALES, i love you all, but it seems you're largely illiterate). at any rate, my apologies for any disruption/related trauma.

dear (aspiring) readers, have you ever had insomnia? there have been studies, comparing judgment, coordination, etc., between the sleep-deprived and the drunk, and the sleep-deprived invariably fared worse, so, essentially, i was very drunk all last week. but--just like drunkenness--it served me well. eg, i found people more attractive, and had less inhibitions and self-control. now it may have been hellish (irritability, eye circles, general misery), and i may have come dangerously close to losing job (not having shown up), but i learned something: poof! just like that, insomnia lowered my expectations and standards (sans booze!). and if that isn't enough to drive you into arms de man, there's evidence that sex is a sleep aid. but, naturally, i needed no convincing, and even at one point became downright giddy, which brings me to my forewarning:

WHALES, if you find yourself in bed with a man whilst sleep-deprived and become giddy, do not laugh at the penis. NEVER laugh at the penis. well, not unless said penis is given name AND comical voice. then by all means, laugh (WHALES 101, ladies--WHALES 101). if you do feel close to laughter, picture something unfunny. do not, as is shown in movies, etc., imagine your grandmother in her underwear. (my grandmother was a hoot in purple briefs.)