tuby or not tuby: i'll ask the questions

below is the first big-time blog (for we are large if not in number, WHALES) interview filmmaker i'll call 'tuby strutch' has landed. tuby is a stop-motion animator/filmmaker who is on the verge of what we in-the-know call 'the tipping point.' (ie, laypeople, he's about to EXPLODE.) tuby, seeing in me perhaps kin genius, had the wiles enough to chat me up, so this is the transcript of his responses to the penetrating questions i knew you readers would want answered.

me: hallo.

ts: yo.

me: first off, i must say i’m very glad this is a chat, rather than an in-person interview
because i’m so excited i may have just peed.

ts: hahah well then that makes two of us!
i mean, i didn’t just pee--i’m just glad i can’t see you.

me: i’m glad for you as well.
i mean, i’m sure it would be intimidating.

ts: dunno about intimidating, more like grossed out.

me: no, no, i mean being interviewed--

ts: nah, i’ve been interviewed before--

me: but not by a blog established and forceful as WHALES.

ts: WHALES may be big-time, like you tell me, but i've been interviewed for blogs and mags.
got a lot of attention after the radiohead video--

me: no, no, me president; me intimidating.
anyway, radiohead!--i love the puppets in weird fishes!
tell me, where did you get them, amazon.com?
they have everything
were they pricey?

ts: ha! no way, dudette, i made those puppets--they're sitting right here.

me: wow, really? so, like, you're really talented.

ts: it’s not all fun in the sun--they can be assholes.

me: how did you learn to do this? whut do you make them out of? who helps--

ts: it gets claustrophobic in here, i know, but i’ve caught em drinking my beer
and i’m not gonna lie--i’m not above corporal punishment for that shit!

me: you do it all, the filming, too?

ts: of course--i have a camera--

me: omg.

ts: anyway i don’t call babyhead-horse from the efterklang video ass-head for nothing--that mutant freak stole--

me: you're a damn genius.

ts: all my pbr! and i.... really?

me: no.

ts: why not??

me: my friend told me there aren’t enough genii in the world for you to be one of em.

ts: how many are there?

me: 5.

ts: who?

me: (shrugs)

ts: then how does cockgobbler know this?

me: i dunno. he's swedish.

ts: what the fu--

me: whut are you wearing?

ts: what?

me: wearing. on your...body.

ts: jeans, shirt.

me: and?

ts: hehe actually, nothing.
too busy for laundry.

me: heheh
(whee!)

ts: anyway after i won that radiohead contest, it was great--talking to so many people! the response has been awesome!
i've been making videos, and i'm working on a screenplay--it's gonna be SICK!
i'm gonna do shit that's never been done before, dudette--gonna blow your tits off!

me: omg.
ahem
remember when you said in that interview that you run into the woods naked and cry?

ts: haha yeah! i say some weird shit--like fighting with ass-head. i just like fooling around.
i love ass-head.
i was saying basically that life overwhelms me at times with its beauty, its agony. life's --

me: so you run in the woods naked?

ts: what i meant was--

me: when?

ts: i don't really--

me: where? i mean, if someone were to go to certain woods at certain times, they might get to see--

ts: dude, i don't
i don't run into the woods--i was just saying--

me: you made that up?

ts: mehhrr....

me: you lie in your interviews?

ts: no, man, i--

me: so, you could be lying right now.

ts: listen, loopy!

me: you could be saying that you don't get naked, but you really do!

ts: speaking of woods--my latest video--it's gonna be the best ever! i'm really gonna push the boundaries--annihilate em!--which i think is how an artist has to work.
and i get to shoot in nature, which for me is the sweetest--

me: tell me! WHERE? WHEN?

ts: yo, i'm out.

me: wait! sorry, i
i don't really want to see you naked.
well, i do--but i'll talk about art
if i have to.
i mean, i LOVE your work! not as much as i love naked.
merde!

ts: i’ve gotta go--gotta ton to do--shit don’t make itself!
laters!

me: at least tell me what you look like! next time, can we do videochat?
i <3 you!
oops, that didn't work.
i heart you!

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let them frolic free and topless

readers, as surely you have noticed, i've not posted in a while. the reason? well, besides the usual (working paltry hours, tending to an insatiable libido), i've also been developing a pitch for a feature film. yes, i--ms. c.!--am about to make my foray into film world. my idea is simple: gather together the meatiest of hollywood man-meat and let them frolic freely and shirtless. with the right cast--ie, christian bale, eric bana, daniel craig, the dudes from 'the hurt locker,' ben kingsley (for gravitas!) and, in his acting debut, carne de rafael nadal--it's failproof. i've already written the script: buffed-up dudes meet at the beach, or pool or something; they take off their shirts; they stay like that; fade out. i've even made the poster.


now i don't know a lot of hollywood folk, but who could say no to something that's low-budg (with the exception of stars' salaries (i'm ballparking that for a cast of 7 to do a 2-hour frolic at, say, $100/hr, it would run $1400; adding food and emollients, $1445)), requiring no elaborate costumes, set or script and already including the gorgeous poster at left?? not anyone i'd like to know. i do have a skanky friend ('skank'), and she gave me this advance praise: '['a day without shirts'] is the greatest cinematic achievement of all time! the story was so poignant i wept.' and that, readers, is encouragement enough for me.