vive houellebecq!

today, my good friend (and for this i love him even more) sent me a great article on the french novelist michel houellebecq. an excerpt:

Houellebecq -- who maintains an open marriage, frequents swingers' clubs and estimates that he sleeps with 25 women a year -- said that he couldn't imagine anything nicer than ''having clitorises all over your body.''
as a WHALES, i say: would it kill a few dozen of us to gather round this (obvious) genius to make his dream come true? i can think of worse things than convening clitorises in the name of literature.

incidentally, 'clitorises all over your body' sounds like a job for photoshop.

he only wanted erotic mayhem

in response to gabriel's comment on 'the real deal with compatibility,' who thinks he should try reading anais nin with a bad french accent since all else has failed to lead to the 'erotic mayhem' he desires:

gabriel, honey, my point was that UNLESS the guy is reading anais nin with a bad french accent, there is NOT a problem--thus if the guy IS reading anais nin with a bad french accent (gabriel, darling, read: pretentious clown), i could see how even a woman with very low standards might be repulsed.

case in point, WHALES: men, even if they see a string of letters, recognize them as words, and have an adequate understanding of the language, it doesn't mean they can read (make sense of the reading).

gabriel surely has other talents (perhaps knot-tying? i've known many a man who can tie a truly excellent knot), but reading is clearly not his forte.

OH SHIZ! gabriel is swedish. hmm, but the swedish people i've met have had better english than most americans. SO, my conclusion still stands--for being from sweden does not excuse a misconstrue of my blog.

regardless, as an exemplary WHALES, i say this to gabriel:
my tangy little meatball,
sorry; me didn't know english not first language.

the real deal with compatibility

in this times article about literary preferences possibly making or breaking your romantic attractions, note what (future WHALES) levy says:

Compatibility in reading taste is a “luxury” and kind of irrelevant, Levy said. The goal, she added, is “to find somebody where your perversions match and who you can stand.

naturally i concur. vive levy! but being somewhat more of an expert on the subject, as it relates to lowering standards, i think levy prematurely desisted, leaving the lettuce, so to speak, somewhat damp: i would spin this baby out and say that compatibility--period--is a luxury. vive moi, aussi, levy--VIVE MOI.

and besides, as long as the dude isn't reading anais nin--aloud and with a bad french accent--then i fail to see the problem. and if the mere sight of who moved my cheese? makes you vomit in your mouth, be progressive: yank the book from his hands and seduce the literate bastard. after all, reading is for celibates.

jon responds!

today, i received THIS:

Dear Ms. C.,

On behalf of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show I am compelled to write after reading the description of this WHALES group. Before you and your subscribers become too dismayed, what may be the cause of the demise of your group I believe will ultimately leave you, well, happier.

Let me preface by saying that we at The Daily Show do peruse facebook/myspace/etc., to keep abreast of what our fans/foes are saying about us. It is a type of research. We have never before interacted with these groups—not unlike a wildlife observer crouches in the bush—to ensure said groups/interactions remain candid. We have decided to make an exception with WHALES due to the potentially serious danger it poses to impressionable, young women.

After I presented to Jon your letter (upon which WHALES is based, according to 'WHALES conception'), although flattered, he agreed that disclosure was in order:

Furst of all, I do not have meaty soccer-player calves. From the waist down, I am very Nicole Ritchie.

2. Whut does incendiary mean?

3. Sometimes when I fart, I poo a little.

4. A cock of steel?! I’ll have you know that phrase kept me up for days.

5. I DO like satyrs.

6. So…can I preorder some of those shit-brown undies? (see #3)

7. Are you insane, woman?—Colbert is so fuckable.

8. I was going for ten things, but I can only think of ate.

Now you see, and it does young women a disservice to belong to a group based on lies. There are no men out there with wings and fins and legs (Jon: Whatever the fuck that means). There are only men with calves in states of varying atrophy and shittypants.

I advise you take down your page and disband…unless I’m making your point? Uh….

Anyway, sincere regards,

R. A.
Writer, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

waxing WHALES

my friend once said to keep your wallet neat, clean and containing only the essentials. she said that in this way your wallet will be a welcoming place money will want to occupy and, once there, will be reluctant to leave. this made abundant sense to me--and i see no reason why we can't apply this theory to the bikini area. so, be sure to wax: keep it neat, hospitable, occupiable.

*WHALES may have low expectations but should still wax before a first date.