navy seal's the deal

wow, readers, my subconscious is in tarsem singhesque overdrive lately. with the exception of this one where i find a moisturizer that is the exact color of my flesh (i awoke irked: 'really, brain, wtf?' but in brain's defense, the moisturizer wasn't greasy or tacky, blended in instantly and felt like air, i.e., awesome), i've been having dream after dream wherein i discover my amazing latent talents. (yes, recognizing a dunce upon which to pin one's homicide (see 'love/life sentence'), i've decided, is a gift.) and since they've also lent insight into man (get thee a man! as mentioned, e.g., you can blame him for stuff), i think it only right to share.

last night, for example, i dreamt i was a navy seal. and, like a navy seal, i was pulled around behind a helicopter shaped like an egg beater (only the beater-things were teeny, tiny propellers) as it zipped through the clouds in a high-altitude sky. i have to say this part of seal training (pardon my french) fucking rules. then there came the sea stuff, which was less remarkable, largely because as a youth i spent many an entire day in water (when i was a lass, my family summered on the shores of a land (i am no novice swimmer)). they, the seal people, said i had to swim an hour, which i'd totally done before, even if it was a dead man's float with the occasional kick. the toughest part was dealing with the other seals. e.g., on my first day in open water my partner took a pizza cutter and sliced her throat open wide, i guess because it was a slow kind of day, and all these sharks came, just like she said they would. because it was her fault, i sat on her back as she swam us to safety. then, after a light lunch, we had to catch an enemy. to do this, we watched an omniscient video a la spaceballs. the enemy was a gaunt, scruffy-looking dude, but once in the water he became aquaman, which came as a surprise. he summoned whales and fish; but the whales were big and clumsy and just bumped into us, and the fish tickled our feet. aquaman was furious, but at least we deemed him lame enough to let him get away.

my partner and i were celebrated for our triumphs that night, and that's when i realized we were the only females. that's right: there are roughly 1 million male seals to every female. not that that's the only--though of course the most, by far--rewarding thing to being a seal and serving one's country: you might just get the chance to be on 'the wanted,' which as far as i can tell has yet to cast women (not counting scandinavians).

you may be thinking, 'join the military, when there's a war--nay, two wars--going on?' but don't you think that if there were two wars going on, they would be all over the front pages of every newspaper, and there would be protests/music festivals galore? i reassert: DUDES! and tv!