analyze this, part deux

since i endeavor to tell ANYONE my dreams (see 'analyze this: (no) hopes and dreams'), i share with you my latest:

i am on a mountaintop and my little brother wants to ski down a dangerous slope but no one around has the skill or courage to accompany him. i come forward and say i'll take him. i feel very heroic. i go to strap on my skis, but some rascal has taped them together, and he is coming to beat me up, too. incensed--and scared--i beat the crap out of him. (did i mention i have super powers?) anyway, i really beat him to pulp. (it is quite gruesome.) the incident incites an angry mob of rascal-friends, and i have to run away. then, because they are everywhere, i fly away. i am new to flying, but soon i am like a rocket, circling the earth. i land somewhere far away under a humongous tree. there appears preacher followed by preacher, of varying faiths, bellowing an old adage or warning. every time one would arrive, i'd go to fly away, but the tree would freeze over with thick rime. i'd break through the branches and ice, and then the next preacher would appear, everything icing over again. by the time i escape, i'm bruised and bloody. now i'm back at school and i'm a fat little boy, cleaning out the ice box. i think this is what i must have been doing all this time. i tell my mom that my best friend tortured me with his new slingshot to explain my bruises/bloodiness. my friend is not happy about this but understands. i just want to go home and play cards with mom and the neighbor-girl.

now, you may think this dream is about power, responsibility, fallibility, and mining gems in chores mundane--but as president of WHALES, i knew instantly its meaning: give the fat little guy a chance.

analyze this: (no) hopes and dreams

women often write me with their lists of desiderata regarding men (which always vexes me, given that i've written extensively on the ills of making/having such lists (see WHALES conception); at times, it's like i'm talking to a brick wall!), and more often than not, 'someone with whom to share my hopes and dreams' appears. the first thing, hope, is something that i endeavor to completely squash in all of you, for there is no place for hope in WHALES. in fact, my first idea for the group's name was WHALESNOH ('and NO Hope') but, the H being silent, it would've sounded anti-whales, which would not have been good (not that i'm particularly attracted to whales, but i have nothing against them, either). however, the second thing, i can relate to, i really can. but really won't anyone do in this regard? to illustrate this, today i shall candidly share--with YOU--a dream of MINE:

i was in a helicopter over a mountainside. it was a scary ride. we came dangerously close to the ground many times heading to the valley. once on the valley floor, we bobbed and swayed in one place for a long while. i almost puked. turns out we were at a mcdonald's drive-thru. after all that, we parked and went inside. i spilled my coke on a big skier-dude. pissed, he followed me into the ladies room and demanded i give him my panties. i thought, sure why not have my panties (freak). but my panties had developed polka dots, such as they would measles, so of course i couldn't give them to him. he called me a tease. when he said it, it boomed throughout mcdonald's and beyond. mortified, i stayed in the bathroom and ate french fries. (i couldn't stomach a burger.)