QIFAM (questions i frequently ask myself), cont'd

A: sorry. it's just the frequency with which those questions are asked--it's exasperating. can we start again--pretend like that ugliness never happened?
Q: you mean, like a virgin?

A: precisely. i do that all the time, by the way.
Q: you act like you're a virgin?

A: well, i don't stand up and declare it so; i just allude to it.
Q: oh?

A: oh yeah. or, in the least, i pretend there have been very few, and very far between.
Q: how do you pretend--?

A: oh, ow! sorry, it's just i'm not used to--oww!
Q: good grief.

A: hehe.
Q: um...

A: i know. it's awesome.
Q: can we--if you don't mind--get on with the q & a?
A: yes, LET US PROCEED.

Q: all right. this is a question that actual people have asked: would you say WHALES are feminists?
A: okay: WHALES are feminists.

Q: no, i mean, would you call them feminists?
A: sure, if i ever met one.

Q: no, i mean--
A: yes, whatever do you mean? it would be nice if you would prepare yourself for these things a little. you know, i have a soul-crushing day job, that i happen to be at--and neglecting, as we speak--and as you know i have this time-suck, i mean blog, and you've heard in past posts about the bourbon and the unruly hairdo--

Q: all right, all right!
A: just sayin. you could put a little more thought into the QIFAM.

Q: ....
A: well?

Q: i'm thinking.
A: oh.

Q: ....
A: ....

Q: what--?
A: this better be good.

Q: never mind.
A: do you want to hear more of my 'virgin' act?

Q: no! well, i just thought of a question: what happened that's made you so cynical?
A: i say, good question. and it reminds me of one of mcnamara's rules in 'fog of war': don't answer the question you were asked, answer the question you wish you were asked. so, my answer to your question: no, not much. i like fish, but i try to stay away from red meat.

FAQ, or rather QIFAM

okay, people don’t really ask questions–and i understand, really i do. it must be very intimidating, addressing the president/founder of WHALES. but fear not, for i shall answer the questions you daren’t ask.
that’s right, here are questions i frequently ask myself, or QIFAM:
Q: does WHALES have an agenda?
A: you mean, like a day planner?
Q: what hobbies do you enjoy?
A: i don’t have hobbies per se, but i do spend an awful lot of time interviewing me. one has to prepare oneself for the windfall that is inevitable in this case of WHALES. in my mind, i’ve already granted larry king first dibs–i mean, did you not see the marlon brando interview?? (’kiss my foot, larry; go on, larry, kiss it.’)
Q: do you hate men?
A: good grief–do you even read my fucking blog, you fucking idiot? god!
Q: which is better representative of your brain: swiss cheese or a teeny, tiny raisin?
A: can i say average-sized raisin, aerated?
Q: are you a lesbian?
A: you know... okay, that’s it. go fuck yourself; this interview is over.