giving jon the smackdown

years ago i met a woman in seoul (i was on holiday, having heard kimchi was good for stamina) who was in the process of moving to nyc. when 'dawn/dong' told me that her motivation was to be on the daily show, i whipped her up a script, informing her, 'just write a book, and with a solid shtick, you'll get on no problem!' of course, i just wanted someone to give jon--my nemesis! (see WHALES conception)--the smackdown. i thought surely this small, kind of bitchy asian woman would finagle her way onto the show if she put forth the effort. alas, she recently contacted me to say that she was leaving ny because it smells of pee (like seoul doesn't?) and never did get on the show. i'm posting the script here in hopes it not go to waste (ladies, 안뇽하세요?).

Dawn/Dong on Jon's Show
June 27, 2007
[note the date: the bitch had over 2 years to get on the show. meh.]

JS: Hello! Welcome to the--whoa.

D/D: What, what’s wrong? Oh, well, I’ve never been to New York. Never been to a big city--I don’t know how BIG CITY folk dress. In Seoul, it’s perfectly hip--

JS: To pair maroon with magenta? (laughs) And Seoul--Seoul is one of the biggest cities in the--

D/D: Okay, technically Seoul’s a city, but, you wanna get technical? Because this bodice is crimson, and the gauchos? Technically they’re mauve.

JS: I stand corrected. (smirks)

D/D: And the shoes? Dude, I wear these to accentuate my size. (holds up foot to show aqua ballet flats)

JS: Dong, you’re 4-foot, and you’re wearing--

D/D: That’s right, Jon. I like to be lifted.

JS: Lifted? What--what does that mean, 'lifted'?

D/D: Well, I’m sure as hell not talking about ‘This Week in God.’

(audience laughs)

JS: If those slippers are what you call lifted, man, you gotta look up Kim Jong-Il’s cobbler. (laughs)

(audience is silent)

D/D: Jon, Jon--are you finished?

JS: (stops laughing)

D/D: What I meant by lift is just that. You know, elevated--

JS: What?

D/D: Picked up. Lifted. Off the floor.

JS: Wh--?

D/D: Being a dwar--petite--is a great way to get picked up and spun around, tossed about. If the guy is hunky enough, it’s like having my own amusement park.

D/D: (pauses, smiles, swings feet) So...?

(audience goes wild--chanting Lift-Lift-Lift!)

JS: (leans over, examines D/D, squeezes own biceps)

D/D: What, what now? What are you looking at? Oh, that? (big laugh) Come on now, you know TV adds 20 pounds.

JS: I don’t know--

D/D: Hey, you can use my inhaler!

JS: Dong, I don’t need--

D/D: Uh, this is kind of embarrassing, but, Jon? The name is Dawn. Dawn. Not Dong.

JS: That’s what I said: Dong.

D/D: It’s Dawn: D-A-W-N.

JS: Uh, I don’t speak Mandarin--

D/D: I’m not Chinese--I’m from New York!

JS: Hey, I’m not a Chomsky aficionado--wait a minute, didn’t you just say you’d never been to--

D/D: Dawn is an English term. You know, as in it dawns on her that she may be on the wrong show.

JS: Now--

D/D: JOHN--see, how do you like it, JOHN?

JS: (looks helpless)

D/D: (whispers) I said John with an H.

JS: Touché.

D/D: Anyway! Shall we tackle some real issues here?

JS: Yes! Let's--

D/D: You know, you never discuss women’s issues--and I think it’s high time you did.

JS: Okay--salient women’s issues it is! (waves pen around) Now, wasn’t it just the anniversary of Title IX? How long has it been--34, 35 years?

D/D: (waits)

JS: Uh, okay. Do you live in South Dakota?

D/D: (drinks water)

JS: (looks lost)

D/D: Thongs, Jon. (rolls eyes) Women and their thongs: needs to be addressed.

JS: Now we’re talking, bo-yee! Thongs: they’re so small, my wife carries an extra pair in her locket. But it’s like the sock phenomenon: they always disappear in the--

D/D: Unhygienic.

JS: What?

D/D: Love the look. Hate the feel.

JS: Really? I myself am fond of the feel. (smiles, adjusts in seat)

D/D: Jon, doesn’t that, um, er, chafe your chode--?

JS: Cho--?

D/D: That part between your ballsac and your ass--

JS: Does it chafe your chode?

D/D: No--I said ballsa--

JS: Oh, yeah. (blots forehead with tie)

D/D: And I don't wear them: they're NASTY.

JS: (blots with vigor)

JS: Alrighty! Dawn--D-A-W-N. It's a nice name, by the way.... Yessiree.

D/D: (looks at invisible watch on wrist)

JS: Ah! Didn’t you say you had a pertinent question for me--one you said would give Americans insight regarding my place in popular culture?

D/D: Oh, yeah, that.

JS: Bring it, bitch!

D/D: I still wanna know how you wear--

JS: (clears throat) We’re moving on.

D/D: Okay. (pauses) Okay, boss-man, my question is this: in the film of your life, who would play you? a) Hilary Duff b) Lance Bass or c) Apu

JS: Uh....

(audience laughs)

(crowd shouts A!s B!s and C!s)

D/D: They’re torn.

JS: Well, why don’t you tell me, since apparently you’re the omniscient one?

D/D: (thinks a moment) Duude--you’re so Apu.

(audience cheers)

JS: (addressing crowd) Thank you. (plays with pen and papers)

D/D: (beams)

JS: Dong, thanks so much for coming. Everybody, the book is I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butthead!: Jon Stewart’s Appeal in Youth Culture--and, well, it’s fucking brilliant.

(audience roars)