WHALES: Women HAppier with Lowered Expectations and Standards: cybersonals (TM!): a playground for singles, swingers, studies

Friday, August 15, 2008

cybersonals (TM!): a playground for singles, swingers, studies

we're hi-tech people, living in a hi-tech world, which makes it possible to perform numerous tasks without ever leaving home, including meeting people, dating, generally socializing (those things were such nuisances, so thank god for this). naturally, i have perused online personal ads--what sort of relationship expert would i be otherwise? (explore all paths, one must, to call oneself an expert.) and today, i share with you two main thoughts/snap judgments regarding dating via sites like nerve, match, craigslist, etc.

though i have never met a dating potential online, i have two friends of greatly differing opinion who have. my friend 'robin' met his girlfriend of 3 years via craigslist; but my friend 'robyn' swears that there are nothing but dorks/pervs to be found on such. let's for the moment put robin aside, and rather concentrate on robyn, because for whatever reason i find her more trustworthy. and the ads that i've seen were clearly written by dorks/pervs--not that dorks/pervs are less human, only less desirable. also, the people who 'cruise' cybersonals (TM!)--save for robyn--are dorks/pervs (i imagine, and so will present as fact). this is terribly problematic, and i shall tell you why.

only one person per couple should be the dork/perv. it is like the yin-yang, black-white, potayto-potahto law of the universe. 2 dorks/pervs, and the balance, the chi, is fucked. yes, cybersonal (TM) world is just a cesspool of dorks/pervs cavorting with other dorks/pervs. i say to you academics: what an opportunity to observe/study in the wild this pure and dense population of dorks/pervs!

note: since no WHALES is either dork or perv, we are free as birds to trudge as we wish through the mire of cybersonals (TM) and couple with a dork/perv.

though we love the convenience and ego-preservation (no more facing rejection) that cybersonals (TM) afford, my second concern is one grave and consequential. of course online dating sites have their flaws, and believe it or not disappointment is not unusual when/if people actually meet--live. now, i may be the founder of WHALES, but not as a result of fear of disappointment, but of celibacy. and trust me, WHALES, you will experience disappointment answering cybersonals (TM) (or you are one muy fortunate bitch, or so says robyn).

however, the real danger lies in the way in which people will largely begin--and simultaneously cease--communicating with one another. i've known many a man who can type up a witty line or even two but in person, if this line be spoken, loses all verve. and this will only worsen with more time online and less practice, live. thus, my growing, gnawing fear: prevalent social retardation in the future--culminating at anthropophobia. there ought to be a study conducted on this, too: the correlation between diminishing social faculties and increase of elationships. this is a call to action. personally, though not a sociologist, my recommendation would be that elationships not constitute more than 80% of one's relationships, the absolute limit at 90%, plus or minus 10%.

2 comments:

Gabriel said...: what about when a dork couples with a perv?; August 16, 2008 at 11:30 PM
d said...: it's a rarity, but when it happens, it's magical.; August 17, 2008 at 12:40 AM

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WHALES conception

WHALES was conceived of whilst writing a hate letter to jon stewart. members share WHALES tales and pictures, and wear hats that look like whales, you know, for morale and solidarity.

Dear Jon,

I am not a TV watcher per se, but I made an exception for ‘The Daily Show.’ While I used to simply appreciate the wit of the program, I now see disturbing implications of not so much the show, but of your existence. Allow me to explain.

While I was working at a cannery in Alaska (killing fish and brain cells with knives and Milwaukee’s Best, respectively), a girl there told me that her mother shared with her the secret to getting the man of her dreams. She said that the universe had to know precisely what you wanted in a man so you had to write down everything you wished for, and the more specific the better.

So I set about writing my list: intelligent, jocular, athletic, adventurous. ‘The more specific, the better,’ she’d said. So I added: passionate, diligent, ethical; a skilled listener, assertive and witty; irreverent, compromising and uncompromising; someone who flosses, likes big books, big words, satires and psychology; a Levi’s-wearing, badass callipygian with a cock of steel.

Years passed and after each pea-brained, smarmy boyfriend, the list shrank. Maybe he didn’t have to be irreverent. Maybe he didn’t need to know the word ‘irreverent.’ Instead of assertive, how about assimilated (as in he’s included in the town’s population count)? Rather than liking satires, satyrs?

Then I moved abroad – and the revised list? Speaks English, flosses. And even that was tentative. I’d been surprisingly adaptable. I’d come to accept these alterations to, or the near obliteration of, my list with a grace and dignity, a kind of maturity of which I’d become so proud. Speaks English and flosses? – come to mama.

After traveling the world for two years, I recently returned to the States and satellite television. So I’ve rediscovered your show, and now face the prospect that my two-line list might be a bit, I don’t know, unsubstantial. And I have this to say in response:

How dare you make me laugh AND be righteous AND have meaty soccer-player calves? Do us women a favor, and shove your NY Times puzzle page up your ass, you false expectation-giving so-called male. It is unconscionable to raise women’s standards for men like that. Just think: seeing on a daily basis Barbara Walters, Alyson Hannigan, and Fanny Brice rolled into one – and tell me that wouldn’t make life suck for you out in Dateland. FUCK YOU! Fuck you, Jon Stewart, and fuck that equine erudition you rode in on.

Why can’t you just be like all the other men in the world? Try it – fuck sakes, baby steps if need be. You can still use the word incendiary – just be talking about lighting your farts on fire. Eventually though, drop it down to the monosyllabic. Then when you’re blow-torching your ass, saying, ‘Dude, this is hot!’ you’ll be thrown back into the man-sea, and we can forget about all this ‘multi-faceted man’ nonsense. Men are like fish, Jon. And they have their competencies – and that would be the fins. Yet you – you’re this fish with fins, dancing around on legs, and flapping about wings. But I know that fish don’t have legs or wings – you mutant fucking freak!

Thing is, Jon, this attack on my life’s evolution, my acquisition of wisdom – my list! – is a horrible slap in the face, since I am a woman of otherwise blinding intelligence. To give you a glimpse into my genius – the sort that forces people into a life sans peers – I will share with you a couple of musings: grass-dyed pants and shit-brown undies for kids. And, dude, that’s just off the top of my head.

I’m a fair person, Jon, so although currently you’re my sole target, it’s not without reason. You'd better believe that if Stephen Colbert were fuckable, he’d be next.

When journalists pose the question, ‘Is Jon Stewart bad for America?’ I think it’s going too far. But be assured that when the womyn of America hear my case – that Jon Stewart needlessly raises our expectations and standards for men – WE will be the ones bad for YOU.

Sincerely,

Ms. C.
Future Founder and President
WHALES
Womyn HAppier with Lowered Expectations and Standards

P.S. Can I come on your show and tout my book-in-progress The Princess of WHALES: An Autobiography?

*note: see 'jon responds!' post for jon's response.

WHALES: Women HAppier with Lowered Expectations and Standards

Friday, August 15, 2008

cybersonals (TM!): a playground for singles, swingers, studies

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